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View Full Version : Favorite joke(s).


zcasavant
08-22-2003, 09:58 AM
Everyone, post your favorite joke or jokes. Here are 3 of mine :)

1)

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A large bear-like creature of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

zcasavant
08-22-2003, 10:01 AM
2)

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender sees this and says to him, "hey, man, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Aarrrghhh, it's drivin' me nuts"

zcasavant
08-22-2003, 10:03 AM
3)


An anteater walks into a bar. The bartender walks over and asks, "You want a beer?"

The anteater replies, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

The bartender then asks, "Well, how about a rum and coke then?"

The anteater replies, "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

The bartender then says, "fine, well, how about a gin and tonic?"

The anteater replies, "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

The bartender then asks, "What's with the long no's?"

:rofl:

Jimmy325
08-22-2003, 10:10 AM
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"

The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"

So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.

So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."

"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."

"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"

Jimmy325
08-22-2003, 10:15 AM
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

Jimmy325
08-22-2003, 10:15 AM
A Texan is bragging to a New Englander. “In Texas,” he drawls, “you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall.”
“So what?” replies the Yankee, “We have slow trains in Rhode Island, too.”

johnlew
08-22-2003, 10:24 AM
Couple's parked in Central Park, N.Y., beginning a little loving. Things are starting to heat up, the fellow begins kissing her neck. She moans with approval as he then unbuttons her blouse. As he continues his handiwork, she gasps, "kiss me where it smells." So, he took her to New Jersey.

johnlew
08-22-2003, 10:27 AM
Waiter approaches the table of Jewish ladies he'd been serving, and asks, "Is anything alright?"

Mike 325xi
08-22-2003, 10:32 AM
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment,and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr.Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,pounding the floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......

"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

zcasavant
08-22-2003, 10:51 AM
The Seven Dwarfs ...

:bustingup

tommyd
08-22-2003, 10:57 AM
Dopey... :bustingup

Did you hear about the blond at the Sesame Street factory who was putting male genetalia on the Elmo dolls?
When asked about it... she said she was told to give the dolls two testicles...

(test tickles)

tommyd
08-22-2003, 11:08 AM
All time favorite:

http://www.bimmerfest.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35337

cenotaph
08-22-2003, 11:56 AM
From this (http://www.bimmerfest.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2912&highlight=chicken+egg) thread:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."

xmas63
08-22-2003, 11:59 AM
Two of my favorites:

1. This guy comes into the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the bar. Put your coat on." The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?" The husband replies, "No. I'm turning off the heat."

2. Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

ERK
08-22-2003, 01:59 PM
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “do you have trouble with sh*t sticking to your fur?”
“No,” says the rabbit.
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

The Roadstergal
08-22-2003, 02:03 PM
Far side cartoon - a rabbit and a donkey in a room. The donkey is reading a book on particle physics; the rabbit is sitting and looking slack-jawed.

Donkey: "Dumb bunny."
Rabbit: "Smart as***********s."