Welcome to Bimmerfest -- The #1 Online Community for BMW related information! Please enjoy the discussion forums below and share your experiences with the 200,000 current, new and past BMW owners. The forums are broken out by car model and into other special interest sections such as BMW European Delivery and a special forum to voice your questions to the many BMW dealers on the site to assist our members!

Please follow the links below to help get you started!

Go Back   Bimmerfest - BMW Forums > Everything Else > Off-Topic

Off-Topic
Everything not about BMWs. Posts must be "primetime safe" and in good taste. No personal attacks allowed. Political posting is restricted to the Political Science forum!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-19-2003, 01:17 PM
Mathew Mathew is offline
Code 66
Location: .
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 5,167
Mein Auto: .
Complete military history of France

This is funny.
They actually won a war, it was called the French Revolution


Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by (of all people )the Italians.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. France claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that their opponents were the French themselves.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany's first play at the role of drunk Frat boy to France's lonely girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women finally find out what it's like to sleep with a winner who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French military bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rule of Warfare of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Last edited by Mathew; 02-19-2003 at 01:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
Ads by Google
  #2  
Old 02-19-2003, 04:25 PM
ronrich's Avatar
ronrich ronrich is offline
Confused.
Location: New Orleans
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 4,938
Mein Auto: 2002 325i / 2011 328i
:repost:
__________________
Here's a newsflash, ... the lazy will never ever ever be rich. - uttered by STUKA
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-19-2003, 04:33 PM
Mathew Mathew is offline
Code 66
Location: .
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 5,167
Mein Auto: .
Quote:
Originally posted by ronrich
:repost:
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-19-2003, 04:44 PM
ronrich's Avatar
ronrich ronrich is offline
Confused.
Location: New Orleans
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 4,938
Mein Auto: 2002 325i / 2011 328i
Gimpy got the jump on ya
__________________
Here's a newsflash, ... the lazy will never ever ever be rich. - uttered by STUKA
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Forum Navigation
Go Back   Bimmerfest - BMW Forums > Everything Else > Off-Topic
Today's Posts Search
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On



Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:06 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2001-2011 performanceIX, Inc. All Rights Reserved .: guidelines .:. privacy .:. terms