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  #1  
Old 01-14-2004, 08:20 AM
Patrick Patrick is offline
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Unhappy Humiliated by a M5

Preface: this is an almost true story - certain adjectives have been changed to protect the guilty.

So there I was, minding my own business at a stop light today, when a freshly washed and detailed, Avis Blue E39 M5 pulls up in the lane next to me. I explain to my passenger (a person oblivious to anything to ever come out of the M Motorsports factory) that it isn't too often that you see a BMW as fine as that here in Finland. The passenger nods in agreement, almost afraid to look over, sensing my tension.

The driver of the M5 rolls down his window to toss out his cigarette butt, and I am thinking, "What a jerk. He smokes in his M5."

I search nervously for the passenger side window button with my left hand, roll it down half way and say, "I like your E39." The driver looks over at me and then eyes my extremely dirty, Slate Green 520i Touring. He replies, "I didn't know BMW made green hearses." He rolls up his window, looks back over at me and then revs the massive V8 a few times. I am thinking that this can only end bad.

My mind is working feverishly, trying to remember how they taught me to disengage DSC at the BMW Driver Training before the light turns green. Suddenly, it dawns on me that my 2002 Comfort Package equipped, 520i Touring does not have DSC - I think that they gave me the rain sensor instead.

I fiddle with the ASC button, accidentally turning on the passenger side seat heating, when I recall how my SA told me, "Never touch that button in snowy or icy conditions." But this is serious, and there is wet asphalt showing through the compact snow and ice. I throw caution to the wind and depress the button, knowing full well that aside from the OBC just giving me the +3C beep, computers are no longer there to help.

I turn on the front and rear fog lamps. I put the windshield wipers to hyper speed to keep the mist off the glass. I am feeling DTM on a rainy day.

I drop the leather covered Steptronic gear selector down into manual, and take 1st gear, thinking that with a little wheels spin, perhaps the M5 will think that I have something else under the hood than what the poorly aligned 520i badge on the rear cargo door represents. After all, I did recently install a M5 rear anti-sway bar; this won't be that easy.

The light turns yellow, and then green. The M5 driver hammers the throttle and I see smoke from the rear tires. I am a split second behind, but hit 5900 RPM in first, my 15 inch winter tires doing their all to give me grip. The ever so slightly present g-force gently pushes me back into the non-sport, cloth seat, making me happy that I never knew about lumbar supported seats when I placed my order. I can hear the sound of small stones and salt slush impacting the inside of the wheel wells and mud flaps as the fuel economy gauge reads +30 liters/100km. At 1.05 EUR per liter for 98E, this street racing thing isn't for poor people - good that I have that company gas card.

My passenger reaches for the "Oh ****" handle, looking a little flush in the face. I think to myself that the seat heaters must work phenomenally well. No wonder my wife has it on all of the time.

The M5 has already pulled out a 5m lead after about 6m of driving, but I keep my foot in it. 2nd and then 3rd gear, not gaining. Going a blistering 67km/h in 3rd, my Touring hydroplanes sideways through a small pond that had formed on the street due to a backed up sewer. More throttle, grip returns, the M5 sway bar saves my ass.

Another 100m passes, around a corner and I realize that the M5 is no where to be seen. He has had me for lunch, just another victim, slain by his 400hp V8.

I finally catch up to him a few lights later, he already has his window open, a new cigarette almost half smoked. "Thanks for that," I say. He laughs and says, "Your car really sucks."

Yeah, I know.

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  #2  
Old 01-14-2004, 08:22 AM
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Plaz Plaz is offline
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Ouch.
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  #3  
Old 01-14-2004, 08:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick 520iAT
At 1.05 EUR per liter for 98E, this street racing thing isn't for poor people - good that I have that company gas card.
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  #4  
Old 01-14-2004, 08:26 AM
FireFly FireFly is offline
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What were you thinking?
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  #5  
Old 01-14-2004, 08:33 AM
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AB AB is offline
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  #6  
Old 01-14-2004, 08:39 AM
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Clearly you need to get sharked.
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  #7  
Old 01-14-2004, 08:41 AM
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jvr826 jvr826 is offline
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You are a brave soul and I commend you for giving it a go. That M5 guy is a pompus ass. The mere fact that he throws his butts out onto the street makes him an ass in the first place.

Excellent story no matter what the outcome!
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  #8  
Old 01-14-2004, 09:20 AM
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rost12 rost12 is offline
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Awww....
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  #9  
Old 01-14-2004, 09:24 AM
Motown328 Motown328 is offline
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Very well-written and very funny! I loved it!!!
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  #10  
Old 01-14-2004, 09:31 AM
norcal 528i norcal 528i is offline
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That was great.
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  #11  
Old 01-14-2004, 09:35 AM
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Andy Andy is offline
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Patrick,

That is one of the funniest things I have ever read!! I can't stop laughing, my eyes are watering and my side is now hurting. I almost blew snot out of my nose when you said you accidentally turned on the seat warmers!!.

Double thumbs up for you my friend, great story!!

On a side note... the guy driving the M5 is what causes the typical BMW stereotype. That drives me nuts!!
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  #12  
Old 01-14-2004, 09:40 AM
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01Byte 01Byte is offline
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That was one of the BEST stories I ever read

Thank you...
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  #13  
Old 01-14-2004, 09:44 AM
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HW HW is online now
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great writeup

maybe you shoulda shout out to him that he has a flat and then leave him wondering at the light.
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  #14  
Old 01-14-2004, 09:45 AM
Cliff Cliff is offline
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A couple of should wash away the shame. Hilarious story Patrick. (and the M5 driver was a pig)
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  #15  
Old 01-14-2004, 09:46 AM
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car_for_mom car_for_mom is offline
...worked on the railroad
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Patrick 5201AT, I salute you and your valiant car!

Great story!
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  #16  
Old 01-14-2004, 10:02 AM
Alex Baumann Alex Baumann is offline
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Have you tried adding a couple of drops of Vodka to the gas ?
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  #17  
Old 01-14-2004, 10:23 AM
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The Roadstergal The Roadstergal is offline
Butting back in
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Who cares who won? We respect you for throwing caution to the wind sorta.
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  #18  
Old 01-14-2004, 11:34 AM
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AndDown AndDown is offline
just copacetic!!!
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Great story! Have you considered writing for Roundel?
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  #19  
Old 01-14-2004, 11:40 AM
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LA525iT LA525iT is offline
swinging a big stick
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick 520iAT
He replies, "I didn't know BMW made green hearses."
C'mon, he lobbed this one up for a good comeback/threat against said M5 driver...
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  #20  
Old 01-14-2004, 11:41 AM
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rost12 rost12 is offline
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Stop saying things like "M5 driver is a pig"... Even M5 drivers have feelings, ya know...
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  #21  
Old 01-14-2004, 11:51 AM
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elbert elbert is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick 520iAT
Going a blistering 67km/h in 3rd
Great story Patrick
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  #22  
Old 01-14-2004, 11:53 AM
Akakubi Akakubi is offline
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Awesome story!

The M5 guy is an :asshole: and should be for littering and just being obnoxious.

On a side note, was the M5 fishtailing in the snow?
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  #23  
Old 01-14-2004, 12:59 PM
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BlackChrome BlackChrome is offline
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  #24  
Old 01-14-2004, 01:34 PM
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Salvator Salvator is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AndDown
Great story! Have you considered writing for Roundel?
I second this suggestion... Great writing!
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  #25  
Old 01-14-2004, 04:42 PM
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It ain't braggin if you can back it up.
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