04-30-2002, 06:06 AM
Account closed at users request
Join Date: Dec 2001
Oil change instructions for women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube
2. Drink a latte
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil change $20.00
Latte $ 2.00
Total $22.00 + GST
Oil change instructions for Men
1. Go to auto parts store and write check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it to recycle plant, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under son's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use vise grips.
10. Attempt to unscrew drain plug.
11. Strip head of drain plug with vice grips.
12. Go get extension cord, drill, and drill bit to drill out the drain plug.
13. Go to auto parts store and purchase a complete set of easy outs.
14. Drill and easy out the drain plug.
15. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Get hot oil on you in process.
16. Clean up mess.
17. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
18. Look for oil filter wrench.
19. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
21. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
22. Next day, drag pan full of oil out from underneath car.
23. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 15.
24. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
25. Walk to beer store; buy beer.
26. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
27. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
28. Remember drain plug from step 11.
29. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
30. Discover that the used oil is burried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
31. Drink beer.
32. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug that can't be used.
33. Go to auto parts store and get new drain plug.
34. Cross thread drain plug.
35. Remove drain plug and re-tap threads.
36. Attempt to install drain plug, but it no longer fits (wrong tap size).
37. Go to auto parts store and buy expandable rubber drain plug.
38. Install drain plug.
39. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is on floor.
40. Drink beer.
41. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
42. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 41.
43. Begin cussing fit.
44. Throw wrench.
45. Cuss for additional 10 minutes looking for thrown wrench.
47. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
50. Dump in five quarts of fresh oil.
52. Lower car from jack stands. (43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
53. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spill during step 27.
55. Test drive car.
56. Get pulled over; arrested for drunk driving.
57. Car gets impounded.
58. Make bail.
59. Get car from impound yard.
Parts $ 50.00
Impound fee $ 75.00
Tow $ 75.00
Beer $ 25.00