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Off-Topic
Everything not about BMWs. Posts must be "primetime safe" and in good taste. No personal attacks allowed. Political posting is restricted to the Political Science forum!

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  #1  
Old 10-08-2012, 12:38 AM
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stylinexpat stylinexpat is online now
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Mein Auto: 2009 M3
How to start a fight jokes lol..

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...




My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......




My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...





I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....






My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
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  #2  
Old 10-08-2012, 01:40 AM
aliciad aliciad is offline
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wow! this is nice,, i like it
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  #3  
Old 10-08-2012, 08:30 AM
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Coconutpete Coconutpete is offline
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Haha. Some good ones in there.
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The word "there" can appear as a pronoun, as in “over there".

"Their" is a possessive pronoun. In a phrase like “Susan and Bill's car,” it could be used to to make a new phrase: “their car.”

”They're” is a contraction of “they are.”
“They are” should always be able to replace “they're.”

Extra credit: It's "I'm looking for an M3" not "I'm looking for a M3".
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Old 10-09-2012, 07:54 AM
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TemporarySanity TemporarySanity is offline
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My wife asked me if her pants make her ass look fat. I said no, your ass makes your ass look fat! That's when the fight started.
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:01 AM
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lolz
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  #6  
Old 10-09-2012, 10:27 AM
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stylinexpat stylinexpat is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TemporarySanity View Post
My wife asked me if her pants make her ass look fat. I said no, your ass makes your ass look fat! That's when the fight started.
My employee asked me if I could pierce her navel. I said not until you lose 25 lbs., that's when the fight started.

My wife came over to my shop to talk to me. A sexy chick walked by and I could not help but look, that's when the fight started
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