Going back to the thing that sounded the most ****ed up. Sabrina Was my first love, including family. This might be hard for you to hear/understand but ill try to explain my best. my whole life before the age of 5. I barley remember. I think has a lot to do with the fact that my body doesn't want to remember it. I Never really ever had parents my whole life. no one I could trust. At the ages of 3-5 I was told countless times everything would be alright but the threating fact of us getting taken away lingered around the air in the house. Eventually, we were taken away. I don't even like to say taken away.... because it makes it sound like I didn't want it. At the time I didn't but I wouldn't be the same person I am now talking to you if I didn't. Anyways... I like learned to trust people that were close to me again. after getting mistrusted in my own biological home I moved to my cousins house out in Marion (south of Williamson) and I lived there 3 years. I began to start trusting the people that I thought were going to be my parents for the rest of my life... but the "mom" of the house and the "dad" of the house always fought and he was never home because he was a truck driver. Right when I thought things were going good...... my oldest brother moved out of the house I was at. Sorry... I left out the fact that it was me, my sister, my oldest brother, and my older younger brother all living at my cousins house with them. so anyways my oldest brother moved out.. but he was helping around the house a lot..... which was too much on the "mom" of the house after he left. So then me and my sister were placed into foster care. I Hated it a lot…. I was grounded all the time because I was doing stuff I thought a normal kid would be doing.. But to this new family. It wasn't normal…. so yeah I was grounded a lot…... Which meant that I had to sit on my bed and do nothing except Write multiplication facts out over and over and over and over. Like 0x0=0 10 times. 0x1=0 10 times. All the way up to 12x12=144. EVERY DAY for simply doing stuff that I thought was normal. But anyways once again I was in a place I thought I could trust and blah blah blah. So yeah.. Here I go again off to a new family.. Telling my the same thing the last 4 did. Your never going to leave, trust us, and all that ****. Would you? Well I sure the hell didn't. time went on I was like 13 when I was like finally adopted. I thought life was going good…. well sure the hell not the "dad" of the house is sick because he was drinking crazy amounts of alcohol….. It was my fault though? Cool, that's something I love to live with. Knowing it was my fault that someone was a alcoholic, not so much. I soon realized that everything that happened in this family was my fault. Nothing I ever did was appreciated and it hurt me more mentally than anything. I tried 110% to be a perfect child…. like everyone wanted.. But I never had it in me to just give that extra little bit in me to be that kid everyone wanted. I finally accepted the fact that I will never be perfect and I learned to just say **** it. Before 6th grade my grades were PHENOMENAL but that's when I learned to not give a ****. I had perfect attendance in school until my senior year minus like 3 days in 11 years!! But anyways…. I don't know what about Sabrina I loved.. I loved that she was always there on my side no matter what happened. I could count on her for anything and she was just amazing. Her mom then broke us up and made me loose contact with her. 3 months later.. I texted her and I convinced her to believe me again. After me crying over loosing her the first time I reentered this relationship….. Slowly it faded away.. I was working 40 hours a week.. Going to high school impressing everyone at school with my im always happy and can make anyone happy/laugh mood. That was like its own job in entirety….. And then I worked like I said 40 hours a week…. being 16-17 years old working that much was illegal.. I did it for the company and the fact that I blamed myself for everything. During the middle of the winter I was walking to and from work. I would walk from home to school, then from school to work, then from work all the way home…. sometime close to 2am in the morning. I would wake up at 6am get to school and redo that whole thing. I never had anytime for myself in any of that. I was Overworking myself so I didn't have to think about anything. I am being completely honest when I tell you that I have never and will never inflict pain on myself such as cutting myself or anything else people do…. but I do hurt myself in the fact I overwork the crap outta me. It's the best way I can deal withRough childhood?
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