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Someone.anyone. please help me ):

All the foreign mechanics in my area screw me over, telling me it's something different just to make some cash.

Okay;

My car has around 220k miles on it so keep that in mind

I have no upgrades as far as anything goes besides my exhaust is straight piped. The Resonator and up is still stock.

For a few weeks now my car has been leaking oil. I can't tell specifically where it's coming from; I can see that on the crank case one of the bolts has oil coming up from underneath the seal, and it's on the ground where I park so I looked up under my car and you can see where the oil is dripping down through the engine bay. When the engine is running, and I take the dipstick out it starts literally spraying oil everywhere(I was told this isn't normal?)

The oil light is never on when I start the car unless the oil is REALLY low, but it always comes on while I'm driving.

When I start the car usually there's some white smoke, but it doesn't keep coming out. Just a bread puff, only when the car starts up.

I don't know when it came out, but my dad also pointed out to me that my tailpipe has been leaving a small amount of black soot on the garage floor.

I run full synthetic oil, penzoil pure plus which my local BMW had recommended. I only put in premium gas.
I've been told it's a bad head gasket, but everyone says if it's a bad gasket then the oil will be milky/off color when you check it and there might be some discoloration in the oil on the crack case cap but neither of those are present

Let me know if any pics are needed and what tests can be done
I have some tools here to use and I'm pretty savvy
 

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When the engine is running, and I take the dipstick out it starts literally spraying oil everywhere(I was told this isn't normal?)
It's not normal but you should not be pulling the dipstick when the engine is running because it's a closed crankcase. There should be a small amount of vacuum and pulling the dipstick while running should cause the engine to stumble a little.

Sounds like you have a bad CCV system and maybe a leaking oil filter housing gasket or another gasket. Replacing these is not very hard. Since the crankcase is building up a pressure it will blow oil out where ever it finds a leak.
 

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I'm no expert on this but it sounds like it could be CCV related. If it is clogged, it can cause pressure to build up and the result is leaking valve cover gasket and could cause the oil spraying symptoms.

Not sure if it can cause the white smoke issues which is usually coolant.

Search for CCV on the forum and you will get lots of symptoms and suggestions.

If your CCV is original, at 200k miles, it is assuredly plugged.

A leak down/compression test would be a good idea too.
 

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Thanks guys I'll search around and see if I can solve the CCV on my own. If not I'll take it to one of the local shops and ask them to specifically test it out for me
 

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Thanks guys I'll search around and see if I can solve the CCV on my own. If not I'll take it to one of the local shops and ask them to specifically test it out for me
No need to test it, if you had oil blasting out of the dipstick tube, you have a bad ccv. You can get the kit for $150 online (oembimmerparts.com is a great source). I charge people $150 labor, most shops charge $300.

Additionally, with that kind of positive pressure, you probably blew out your valve cover gasket so it should be replaced as well. And, I'd do the oil filter housing gasket as others have said as well for good measure. If you really want to do it right, replace the VANOS seals while you are doing it. All is fairly easy if you are mechanically inclined.
 
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